the lusty intern
by Befham
Summary: She's Meredith Grey. She's going to be the greatest neurosurgeon of her generation. She is not a weak little girl, she's strong and can get through this. She will not let a man break her. Not even Mark Sloan.
1. Chapter 1

It takes Meredith a few moments to hear his familiar moans when she walks through the door. It's been a long three days and she wants nothing more than a few shots of tequila and a hot bath before crawling into bed with Mark. A weight has lifted from her shoulders now that she has taken the board exam, and though she is utterly terrified at what the future will bring, it's a relief to be at the end of her residency.

Leaving her suitcase in the hall, she slips off her coat and heads to the drink cabinet to fetch that much needed bottle of tequila when she sees two empty glasses on the coffee table. Her heart beats a little faster when she sees the dark red lipstick stain on one of the glasses. Meredith turns to the stairs in disbelief and listens, really listens, and then she hears them, hears him.

She prays to a God she has never believed in that she's sleep deprived and maybe she's imagining it because seriously, how could he do this to her? Hell, she prays that he's watching porn at this point, but there's no mistaking the manly grunts of his pleasure and the soft moans of a woman that echo down the stairs.

He's always been a vocal lover, she thinks and almost laughs at the absurdity of it all.

She's back early. Sitting in a bar in San Francisco had been the last place she wanted to be, so she got an early flight back.

She briefly wonders if this is the first time that he's done this, brought another woman to their home without her knowledge, but she dismisses the thought as soon as it comes. She's done. Done with this life and trying to make it work, done with him, done with them.

Done with trying to be happy.

After five years she's tired of fighting a losing battle. He's obviously given up. Having the audacity to bring a woman into their home, fucking her in their bed was his own way of telling her that it was over.

He doesn't want her anymore.

Meredith slips her wedding ring off of her finger. The heels of her shoes click on the wooden floor as she walks into the lounge and leaves the ring on the coffee table.

Her feet are carrying her up the stairs before she can talk herself out of it. The urge to run like the coward that she is battles against the fury that burns through her body. With every step she hears her mother's judgmental voice running through her mind. "He will ruin your life, Meredith. He'll break your heart." She paid her mother no heed the day she said those words, thinking what does Ellis Grey know about love? Now she wishes she paid more attention to her. Things had to be fucked up if she regrets not listening to her mother. Ellis Grey would have left him long ago, when he started treating her like a stranger and not his wife. Ellis Grey would never have let herself be put in that position.

Hell, Ellis Grey would never have fallen in love in the first place.

Hesitating, she lays a hand on their bedroom door. She doesn't want to do this. She doesn't want to see him with another woman in their bed.

"You're weak Meredith. Loving him will only get you hurt."

She pushes open the door, and immediately wishes that she hadn't.

Meredith doesn't pay any attention to the woman who is on her hands and knees. No, her attention is fixed firmly on her husband as he fucks her from behind, his face twisted into an angry snarl. It's the girl who notices her first. "Shit!" she cries, scrambling away from Mark and reaching for Meredith's sheets to cover herself with.

Meredith barely spares her a glance. Her eyes are remarkably dry as she meets her husband's gaze.

"Meredith," Mark whispers in horror as it dawns on him what is happening.

"You bastard," Meredith breathes, her voice little more than a whisper, and yet it's louder than any screams or shouts could ever be.

"Mer wait," Mark says, not bothering to cover himself up as he jumps off of the bed and cautiously makes his way towards her as though she's about a terrified animal who's about to make her escape.

He knows her far too well, for she's already backing away.

"Meredith, don't go-"

Meredith shakes her head, tears finally beginning to cloud her vision. "How can you do this after everything?"

"Just wait, please."

But it's too late. She does what she does best.

She runs.

"Meredith!" Mark shouts, his voice shaking with anger and guilt. She does not turn as she hears him following after her, her only thought is to get away from him before she breaks down. She stumbles blindly down the stairs and is almost at the front door when his strong hand wraps around her arm tightly and swings her around to face him.

"Get off of me!" Meredith cries, wildly struggling against him as he attempts to pull her to his chest.

"I'm sorry-"

"Just let me go!" Meredith pushes against him with all of her strength, and it's only when they hear a floorboard creaking upstairs does he get distracted enough to loosen his grip on her. Meredith wrenches her arm back and slaps him cleanly across the face. Mark stumbles back from the force of it, his surprise clear on his face for her to see.

She's out the door before he can so much as take a step towards her. She prays that even Mark Sloan has some modesty to not come outside, but she's wrong as he trails after her.

She races to her car and manages to climb in and lock the door before he can reach her.

"Meredith, just talk to me." Tightening her hands on the steering wheel, she forces herself to breathe despite his pounding on her window and his pleas.

God, she's so fucking stupid. She had tried so hard to believe that they could get through this, that they could eventually get back to normal. There was no hope of that. He'd seen to that.

He'd done the one thing that he knows that she would never forgive.

She doesn't want to lose him, she needs him in her life and she despises it. She despises him and the whole fucked up world for putting her into this position.

She had the guy, the house, her budding career and just in one day Meredith Grey's perfect little life got fucked up. She may hate feeling vulnerable, but she hates being pitied more. The pitying looks she gets throughout the hospital haunt her every step. Hushed conversations about how the once legendary couple are falling apart and how long it will be until the divorce papers are be signed.

Fuck them for being right.

But then the memories come, the day that they met, when he told her that he loved her, the day they got married, and when everything fell apart. She pushes that particular memory away and starts the car. Mark's shouts echo throughout the street, but she pays them no heed as she wipes away her tears.

She starts the car and drives away from him.

She's Meredith Grey. She's going to be the greatest neurosurgeon of her generation. She is not a weak little girl, she's strong and can get through this.

She will not let a man break her.

Not even Mark Sloan.


	2. Chapter 2

Meredith quits her job the next day and spends the next week in a hotel room in a drunken blur.

She's barely sober when she finds out that she passed her boards, and though she gets offers all over the country, she eventually accepts a fellowship at Seattle Grace despite her desire to stay in the city.

She can't stay in New York. It's their place. She can't stand to be near him, and she definitely can't stand to be gossiped about anymore at work. The vultures would have a field day to know that Mark Sloan has finally come to his senses and has driven the intern away - despite not being an intern in four years.

And there's no way she can work with Mark - the thought of it alone makes her want to hurl.

A fresh start is exactly what Meredith needs. She'll have a new job, a new life, and she'll even have her best friend back. Things will be okay.

At least that's what she keeps telling herself.

It worked for Cristina all those years ago. It can work for her too.

After a week spent making plans, ignoring phone calls from Mark and rarely leaving her hotel room, she goes back to the house after checking Mark's schedule with the hospital knowing that he wouldn't be there for hours due to a long surgery. She doesn't linger, she stuffs her clothes into suitcases, wondering how she's got so many clothes since all she seems to wear these days are scrubs, and packs the rest of her shit as fast as she can. She doesn't take any furniture, just her clothes and her possessions. It all fits into her car in one trip, and though she knows that she shouldn't, Meredith can't resist packing up a picture of her and Mark when they went on their one and only holiday to Bali.

Meredith pauses just as she's about to lock up once everything is loaded into her car, and though she knows how painful being here is, she can't bring herself to leave right away. There's too many memories within these walls for her ever to feel peace again, but Meredith Grey had been happy for a time, and that alone was a miracle. Turning back, she notices how bare the lounge looks without her mess and clutter filling the place. Mark would always complain about how messy she is, and she sure as hell can't count the amount of times he's tripped over a shoe or a book she's been reading and the fight that would ensue.

She wonders what will he think when he comes home only to find all of her stuff gone. Will he care? Perhaps he will even be glad to finally be rid of her. That was what this little stunt was about, she was sure of it. It was Mark's way of ending things. He's far too much of a coward to sit her down and tell her straight.

Anger seeps into the very marrow of her bones.

How dare he?

She's not naive enough to believe that the breakdown of their marriage is solely his fault, but how dare he cheapen the past five years by bringing a woman into their home-

Before she can stop herself, Meredith storms into the kitchen and grabs the first knife her fingers curl around and heads for the stairs. She ignores the rational part of her brain telling her to think this through because this is a really bad idea and makes her look bat shit crazy. Her anger grows with each step, the memory of how sick she felt as she walked these stairs listening to the sound of his moans as he got his pleasure from someone who wasn't his wife, of how he humiliated her and broke her-

It's something that she can't forgive.

Her fingers tighten around the knife as she storms into their bedroom, her eyes lingering on the unmade bed. Meredith snarls and hurls herself at the bed and stabs the mattress over and over again, pouring all of her hatred and bitterness and anger into every slash until she feels nothing.

Slowly, she stands and observes her masterpiece. The mattress is ruined. Meredith mouth twists into a bitter smile and she tosses the knife onto the bed.

Fuck him.

Fuck them.

II

He calls her every hour that night when he realises that her stuff has gone.

She doesn't answer.

Meredith boards a plane to Seattle two days later after making arrangements to have her car and other belongings sent to her. She thanks the heavens that her mother never sold her childhood home, and even though the place is filled with less than pleasant memories, she's thankful enough that she doesn't have to sleep on Cristina's couch. She contemplates calling Cristina to tell her that she's here, but she knows that Cristina will attack her with questions and she's just not up for that yet. So for three days she settles back into her childhood home with only herself for company. And her ringing phone.

By the third day she's fed up of her own company and is eager to get back to work. After two weeks without cutting, she's in agony and doesn't understand how anybody can stand staying home day in and day out.

Meredith tries not to think about him. Of course she fails, but the blinding pain is pushed aside as she unpacks and moves her mother's furniture around to try to make the house hers, not the place where she raised herself, where her mother tried to kill herself, where her father left her.

The only good thing about the place is that there are no reminders of Mark to haunt her.

He invades her thoughts anyway despite her best efforts. What's he doing? Does he miss her half as much as she misses him? Why does he have to constantly hurt her? Who was he with that night? Is he sorry? Is he glad that it's finally over?

Every time her phone rings she has to stop herself from answering. The moment she hears his voice she knows that her resolve to stay away from him will crumble. The moment he explains himself, she will fall for his shit once more and she just can't do it to herself anymore. She's so fucking tired. She can't take the pain anymore. The little self-respect she has left forced her to leave him, to protect herself from anymore pain.

She's Meredith Grey. She is never second best, and she sure as fuck does not tolerate being cheated on.

But it's Mark. He's the man that she loves above anything else in this world. He's the only man to ever love her and to never leave her. And just because they've had a really, really bad time in their lives, her love for him doesn't just go away.

There had been rumors this past year about his infidelity, but she hadn't believed them. He wouldn't have done that to her, not after everything they'd been through together. She'd known his reputation, hell, she didn't have a much better one, but she knew him. He'd changed.

Her carefully concealed emotions will break through the moment she hears his voice and she will break down. She can't listen to him tell her that it was a mistake and how it would never happen again. Or worse, hear him tell her that he wants a divorce and that he doesn't love her anymore.

But what hurts the most isn't his betrayal. She can live with the pain of that if she has to. She's been through worse.

But she's alone now. Well and truly alone.

It takes all of Meredith's self control to not reach for a bottle of tequila and smother herself in parties, alcohol and boys until she can't even remember who Mark Sloan is. She would have a few years ago, but she's not the same girl anymore. She grew up too.

Instead she tries to be an adult and tells herself that it's better this way. The cycle has been broken, and they can both move on with their respective lives.

She almost succeeds in believing it, she's a master at avoiding and lying to herself. But late at night when she's alone in her big bed, she let's herself face the truth, just for one moment.

She thought that she'd feel relieved that she's finally left him and the pain of the last year behind, but there's a new pain now brought by the knowledge that they'll never be Mark and Meredith again. He will live his life in New York, and she will live her life in Seattle. It hurts having to admit defeat for what she's been fighting for for the past year. But she can't deal with that right now so she pushes the pain away. She doesn't cry, not one tear has dropped since she made the decision that she couldn't deal with anymore of their bullshit. She knows that she's not the most emotionally stable person in the world, but not shedding a tear over your broken marriage is beyond fucked up. Even cold, controlled Cristina cried when Burke left. But now that she's left the man she's loved for five years without saying goodbye, there isn't one drop of water coming from her eyes. Maybe she's all cried out for the next decade.

Or maybe she really needs a fucking drink.

But no matter what's happened, how much he's hurt her and how much she's hurt him, she still loves him. They were happy for four years, and those years mean everything to her. It's better to be really happy for a short time in your life than just being okay for all of it. The pain of the last year could never erase the complete bliss she felt for four years. Even though he hurt her and she hurt him, she could never regret them.

II

The pain does not go away, but her anger starts to diminish it. The night before she starts work, Meredith goes to a bar. She puts on a black dress that is borderline indecent and the highest pair of heels that she owns. She dresses with one purpose, to catch a man's attention. If he can sleep around, then so can she. For a moment she questions whether going back to her former lifestyle is a good idea, but then she can still hear his moans echoing in her ears and her resolve strengthens.

When a man sits next to her she can feel his eyes on her. He's handsome, somebody she would have allowed in her bed with enthusiasm if she had met him five years ago. He is no Mark Sloan though. She turns to him and hopes her smile isn't as fake as it feels. "Do you want to buy me a drink?"

Within an hour she is being pushed up against the wall around the back of Joe's bar whilst this man whose name she does not remember pants in her ear as he fucks her. Meredith tries to forget it all and tightens her legs around his waist. He sighs her name and tells her how good she feels, but all Meredith feels is the rough scrape of the brick through the thin material of her dress. As he moves inside of her, all she can think about is how different he feels to Mark. How Mark would have made her come by now. How Mark was a far more generous lover. She kisses him, trying to absorb herself in the moment, but Mark's face keeps flashing in her mind and it takes everything in her not to cry.

She feels cheap and dirty and not once did she ever feel like this when she was with Mark-

This is a mistake.

She's about to push him away when he moans against her neck and finds his release. He pulls away and carefully sets her on her feet as he zips up his trousers.

If he notices the tear that falls he is too polite to say anything about it.

II

Her will to carry on and to survive has always been strong. She's been surviving since she was five years old when her father left and her mother barely tolerated her presence. She may look like a delicate little flower, but inside she is stronger than anybody knows. The morning that she is due to start work, she wakes up and tells herself that she can get through this. She can start over here, nobody knows her, knows what she's been through. She can be Dr Meredith Grey, a great surgeon, not Meredith Grey who seduced her attending, made him fall in love with her and got him to put an engagement ring on her finger.

By the time she's showered, dressed and in her car, she starts to believe that maybe she actually can do this. Move on. She just doesn't know how to. She's left him, left New York, but what now? Mark's been a constant presence in her life for the past five years. He was the only one who made her feel happiness, feel loved. Mark easily dominated and breached every defense she had built around herself since she was a child. She depended on him, and now that she doesn't have him, she doesn't know how to be alone anymore.

The moment she walks through the doors of Seattle Grace, she feels confidence spreading throughout her body for the first time in a year. Being a surgeon is what she's good at, it's in her blood, it's what she's trained to do. Without the constant stares she is back in her element. There is nobody to judge her here for her indiscretions or to gossip about her past. Here she can be known for her skills, not her personal life.

Meredith's heart beats in excitement as she looks around. She had wandered these hallways as a child, alone and with her mother. She even has a few memories of her father taking her to see her mother. A smile tugs at her mouth because for the first time in a year she feels hope.

Maybe she is going to be okay after all.

Though it has been years since she has walked these halls, she remembers her way around. Meredith ignores the curious glances that come her way as she makes her way to the Chief's office. She's used to the stares. At least they are curious instead of the pity and scornful looks she's grown used to.

The last time Meredith saw Richard Webber was at her mother's funeral almost eighteen months ago. Despite her mother's death, she'd been happy. Her mother was finally at peace after years of hating what she had become, and things with Mark were great. The little smiles he would send her way through the day and the reassuring hand which was always on her aching back were a reminder that she wasn't alone. Although her mother had died, she still had a family.

It's funny how one moment in your life can change everything.

Richard was always present in her earliest memories. He had worked with her mother since the day she was born until they eventually left for Boston. There were times, especially after her father left, when her mother left her to wander around the hospital when she was in surgery and there was nobody to take care of her. Richard would sometimes come to take her for something to eat and would even play some very ridiculous games with her that made her cringe now. In some ways, this man was more of a parent than her mother or father ever were. When Ellis would tell her that she had no time for her, it was Richard who hugged her and dried her tears. Over the years Meredith has wondered if the man had been in love with the emotionless Ellis Grey, or if he was just a genuinely good man who wouldn't see a child neglected. Regardless, she was thankful to the man for everything he has done for her, especially now.

He's sitting at his desk when she is admitted entrance into his office, but when he sees her he stands and grins. "Meredith! You're here!"

Between the almost paternal grin he's giving her and the familiar sound of his voice, for a second she feels five years old again and wants nothing more than for him to hug her and tell her everything is going to be alright.

But she isn't five years old anymore, so she pushes it away and smiles at him. "Thank you for having me."

After inviting her to take a seat, he tells her what is expected of her and not once does he mention anything personal. She can almost feel his curiosity, but he doesn't ask why she is here alone. For that she's grateful. Explaining that her husband- ex husband- is a cheating scumbag and she's finally had enough of being a doormat would have been an awkward conversation to have with her dead mother's friend.

"We can hold off signing a contract for now until you decide if you want to stay-"

"That will not be necessary," Meredith interrupts. "I won't be going back to New York. I'm here to stay."

Richard frowns and she can see the effort he takes to keep his questions to himself. "Are you sure?"

No.

"Yes, I'm sure."

She can see the worry in his eyes, but she offers no explanation or reassurance to him. He sighs in defeat. "Very well. I'll have the contract drawn up. I must say though, I'm surprised that you accepted my offer. You've never hesitated to remind me that Seattle isn't somewhere you wished to return to."

Meredith smiles thinly. "Well, it's time for a change."

Richard shows her around the hospital and introduces her to doctors whose names she forgets almost the moment they're mentioned. The one whose name she does remember is a short woman named Dr. Bailey who seems to despise Meredith the moment she meets her. Richard seems fond of the woman, so Meredith smiles at the woman instead of giving into temptation and glaring at her.

She tries not to take it personally, the woman seems like a dragon on her best day.

The curious looks she had gotten before seems to have increased tenfold now that she has the Chief showing her around. She's a fellow, there is no reason for her to be shown around by the Chief of Surgery. Richard leaves her by the nurses desk and she spends a few minutes going through her charts until she hears a hesitant voice calling her name.

"Dr Grey? We're on your service today."

She turns and almost rolls her eyes. She's been given interns on her first day. Two of them. When she feels her phone buzzing in her pocket and the name Mark Sloan appears on her screen, she almost wants to laugh at the irony of it all. She hastily rejects the call and pushes the memory of him whispering, "My lusty intern," into her ear out of her mind. She's tempted to warn them not to fuck the attendings because it's a career killer, but she manages to push the thought away before the words come out of her mouth.

Meredith regards the two young doctors coolly and thinks she doesn't have a reason to worry about them fucking their attendings. They're eager. Too eager. The two girls look too sensible to fuck their boss, plus she's pretty sure that one of them should still be in kindergarten.

One of them steps forward with a big smile. "Hello Dr. Grey, I'm-"

"Let's get one thing straight. I am not your friend, I am your attending." Meredith glares at the girl until the smile vanishes from her face and she steps back into line. "I don't care who you are, where you're from or where you went to school. You do what I tell you and you go where I tell you. I do not tolerate sloppy work, I do not tolerate you being bad, because that makes me look bad. You're doctors. When you walk through these doors you leave whatever crap that is going on in your life outside of this hospital. The only thing you focus on are my patients. Do not complain. Do not harass me. Do not kill anybody. You're interns. You're nobodies. You're job is to do what you are told. Any questions?" The four doctors look at her with wide eyes as they hesitantly shake their heads. "Good. Then let's get started."

Meredith turns with a smile. For the first time in a very long time, she is in her element.


	3. Chapter 3

Being a doctor has always been a huge part of her life. The time and the effort Meredith has put into her career is something that she is proud of. She lived for the surgeries and the feeling of contentment when she saved a life where a regular person would have failed. But that was it. It was just a part of her life. Back in New York, she had a few friends, her mother and a life outside of work.

But mostly she had Mark.

From the moment she began her internship, Mark has been part of her life both in and out of the hospital. She didn't realise how much time he took up in her days. Despite being in a new place where they have no history, his presence continues to haunt her, be it at home when she's lying in bed alone or at the hospital as their eyes would meet during an intense surgery, both revelling in the rush of adrenaline.

She hates him.

But she misses him more.

II

Her first day passes with little fanfare. She quietly observes the lay of the land and bosses her interns around to make her feel a little better. Bailey looks at her as though she's the devil itself and the residents study her curiously, anxious to find out what kind of teacher the new Neuro Fellow is. The Neuro staff are welcoming, though the Head of Nero is off that day, but she has heard a great deal about Doctor Shepherd from his staff. She has heard of the man professionally of course. He's one of the best surgeons in the country and despite her despair and anger, she is just a little excited to be working with him.

She's just finishing up on her first surgery (a routine craniotomy with a very full gallery, everyone curious to see the new girls skills) and thinking about going to find Cristina when there's a pounding on the window of the gallery. Meredith looks up and she smiles widely for the first time in weeks as she sees her best friend grinning down at her wildly and shouting, "You're here!"

Later she finds herself sitting with Cristina in a vent room (only after she's promised not to tell anyone her secret place - especially Owen who would kill her for taking someone to 'their' place) and spills out the entire sordid tale. Cristina listens in silence, her face twisting in anger when she gets to Mark's infidelity. But once she's done, she feels as though a huge weight has been lifted off of her chest and she can finally _breathe._

Cristina looks at her seriously for a long moment and bluntly says, "You're not going to cry are you?"

Meredith laughs for the first time in weeks.

It's the best day she has in months.

It's the second day where it all turns to shit.

She's introduced to her boss, Doctor Shepherd. His hair is ridiculously perfect and his smile is completely dreamy. Once upon a time she would have starstruck by him. Now she knows better, and she sure as hell knows better than to go near a surgeon with a God complex. Still, he's a good teacher and she would have thrived under him during her residency.

His professionalism paired with his gentle flirting draws her to him immediately, and in a world where Mark Sloan doesn't exist, she would have fallen ass over heels for a man like him. He's charming, polite and a complete gentleman. He's everything that Mark is not, and yet despite his flaws, Mark is all that she craves.

She wonders if it there will be a time where Mark Sloan isn't her entire world.

She now understands why her mother closed herself off after all of her heartache. Despite the inexplicable joy love brought, the heartache was too painful to cope with.

She scrubs in with Shepard to assist with a spinal fusion, and she has an absolute ball showing him her skills. As they're scrubbing out, Doctor Shepherd looks over at her and smiles his perfect smile. "You're very talented."

"Thank you," Meredith says modestly, looking away after a moment. She smiles politely just as she's about to head out. "I'll go update the family-"

"It's taken me all day to figure it out," Doctor Shepherd says, his blue eyes staring at her intently. "You're Mark's wife."

The smile on her face disappears. "Excuse me?"

"I recognised your name, and it's been bugging me for hours," Derek says, stepping closer to her once he's dried his hands. "You're Mark Sloan's wife. The lusty intern."

 _The Lusty Intern._ It's a name that had been hissed in scorn in her direction for an entire year when she first hooked up with Mark. But surely her reputation from her intern year hadn't reached the prestigious Derek Shepherd.

"We were best friends growing up," Derek is saying, either ignorant or uncaring to her turmoil and it suddenly all clicks.

 _Derek Shepherd._

Meredith knows the story well, though she had never asked for surnames and Mark had never offered them. She'd known that Mark had slept with his best friend's wife. He'd even loved her and tried to win her over, but she had chosen to stay with her husband, though she had not noticed a wedding ring on Derek's finger earlier. It had broken Mark, losing his best friend and the woman he loved in one go. She hadn't known the story of course when they first met a few months later, but Mark told her that she was the one who had given him hope that he could change after his disastrous trip to win Addison's heart.

Jeez, she can't even get away from Mark here.

"I have to go Doctor Shepherd-"

"Is he here? In Seattle?"

Meredith swallows against her tight throat. Her heart feels as though it's about to beat it's way out of chest as she looks Shepherd in the eye and stiffly replies, "No. He's in New York."

Shepherd folds his arms across his chest, his eyes glittering with hate for her husband. She gets it, she really does especially now she herself knows how it feels to be betrayed by Mark Sloan. "And you're here," he says, his head tilting to one side as he studies her. "Long distance is hard work, especially when you're not around to keep an eye on him-"

"We're not together anymore," Meredith snaps, any sympathy that she felt for Derek Shepherd vanishing.

"So how did it end?" Shepherd laughs spitefully. "As if I need to ask. You know, I could have saved you years of pain if we'd only met sooner. Mark Sloan is the most indecent man that I've ever had the misfortune of meeting. I'm surprised that your marriage lasted so long-"

"With all due respect Dr. Shepard, you don't know shit about my marriage," Meredith says stiffly, failing to conceal her rage. It didn't matter that this man was her boss, nobody spoke to her like she was nothing. "My personal life is none of your concern, and if you proceed to harass me in this manner I will gladly go to the chief and see how he feels about your conduct with your subordinates. This conversation is over."

Tearing her cap off of her head, Meredith storms out, frustration and anger radiating from her pores as she storms down the corridors. The nerve of that man! He knows nothing about her, and he certainly knows nothing about the state of her marriage-

"Dr Grey!" a bubbly brunette perks up, stepping into Meredith's path. Meredith almost snarls at the girl, hating her on principle for being so perky. "I just watched your surgery. You're so talented! My name's Lexie-"

"Get out of my way," Meredith snaps in irritation. The girl flinches, her big brown eyes looking almost tearful as she concedes to Meredith's demand. Meredith pays her no mind as the girl steps to the side. She sees Cristina at the nurse's station, her attention focused on the tablet in her hands. There's a tall, beautiful blonde chatting away at her but Meredith can tell that Cristina isn't listening to a word she's saying.

"Doctor Shepard is an ass," Meredith interrupts angrily, glaring at a nurse who is curiously staring at her until she looks away with a flush on her cheeks.

"McDreamy's a giant asshole," Cristina agrees not even looking up from the tablet in her hands.

Meredith snorts. "McDreamy?"

The blonde sighs with longing. "It's a nickname we came up with in our intern year. He's just so.."

"Dreamy?" Meredith supplies helpfully, her mouth twitching into a smile.

"Yeah," the blonde sighs, staring off into the distance in a way that is utterly ridiculous and nauseating. Meredith finds herself reluctantly liking the woman.

"There is nothing dreamy about that man," Meredith says flatly.

She shakes herself and gives Meredith a wide smile. "I'm Izzie. Izzie Stevens." She even holds out her hand for Meredith to shake. Meredith plants a smile on her face and introduces herself, all the while wondering how the hell Cristina is friends with a girl so... bubbly.

"I have to go talk to my patients family. I'll see you around."

"Drinks tonight at Joe's?" the blonde asks with a bright smile. "You can meet the rest of Cristina's friends properly."

"I don't have any friends," Cristina says boredly.

A smile tugs at Meredith's mouth but otherwise ignores her. "Sure."

II

Cristina's friends are welcoming and noisy and fun. Izzie is the heart of the group and both Alex and George trip over themselves to gain her attention. She briefly wonders what is going on there, but when Alex kisses Izzie in the middle of a sentence just to shut her up she has her answer. Cristina mocks them all and they all seem accustomed to it that they don't even blink an eye. Alex is hard to get a read on and George keeps staring at her with big brown eyes like he's just found the love of his life.

It's all good and a little scary, but she can see herself being friends with these people.

She excuses herself to go grab a round of shots. It's also an excuse to have a seconds peace and to gather her thoughts. "Can I buy you a drink?" a voice asks next to her as she's waiting to be served at the bar.

Meredith looks up, her eyes narrowing as she meets Derek's. "No thank you," she replies stiffly and goes back to ignoring him.

"Listen, I'm sorry, okay?" Derek says, his voice lowering when Meredith turns to him. "I was angry that Mark got to move on with his life after everything he did. I guess that I'm not as over what happened as I thought I was. You took me off guard. Mark doesn't deserve happiness."

Meredith looks at him long and hard. "Mark did those things before I even met him," she says tightly. "His choices were his own, but they were a long time ago. I had nothing to do with any of it and you had no right to talk to me like that-"

"I know. I know. It won't happen again." He smiles a gentle smile that she is sure wins the hearts of all the nurses and doctors in Seattle Grace. "Can we start over?"

On one hand she wants to continue this. She wants to show him that she's not another starry eyed intern who will trip over herself to get his approval. Just because he offered her a smile and an apology does not meant that they're okay. But on the other hand she's so damn tired of everything related to Mark Sloan and she came here to get some peace. Fighting with her boss isn't going to help that. So Meredith plasters a smile on her face and agrees.

He opens his mouth to continue but Cristina actually _squeals_ right in her ear about how she just has to meet Owen right now. She's thankful for the save, and when she looks back at Derek he is gone.

II

In the weeks that follow, she works too much and drinks too much. Cristina invites herself along for the ride, and despite the waves of worry that she can feel emitting from her best friend, not once does Cristina tell her to calm down. She looks out for her when she's too drunk to walk to the bathroom and makes sure that she's home safe every night. Sometimes Owen comes along, and though she can sense his vague disapproval over the fact that Meredith is dragging Cristina down to her level, he keeps quiet and looks at her with something akin to fondness. And despite her current feelings towards any creature with a dick, Meredith likes him.

Sometimes Cristina's friend who she still claims isn't her friend, Alex, joins them, his snarky, dark attitude matching their own humor. She likes him immediately, and can totally see why Izzy loves him. Beneath the rude jokes and his shitty personality, there is a man who loves and cares about his friends and his patients. When Cristina is too busy to go to Joe's and Owen is far too scared of her ability to knock back tequila to handle her on his own, Alex becomes her drinking buddy. He doesn't ask any personal questions like Izzy and George and watch her with worried eyes. Alex is content to let her drink herself into oblivion.

"I don't want to feel this way anymore," she drunkenly mumbles one night, her hand clutching onto Cristina's arm desperately as she moves to leave the bed after a particularly hard day where she lost an elderly patient and had the unfortunate task of telling the woman's devastated husband. It brings back too many memories and there's not enough tequila in the world to make her forget.

"Tough," Cristina replies. "Move over," she snaps, climbing into bed with her. She knees Meredith in the stomach and it almost makes her puke. She's a bitch, but it's the closest she has felt to another person in months so she allows it. Leaning her head on Cristina's stomach, Meredith yawns and reaches for the bottle of tequila. With a frown, she throws it on the floor with a groan when she discovers that it's empty.

"I like Owen," Meredith says after a long moment of silence, rubbing at her eyes as the room spins a little bit. "He's good for you." Cristina hums noncommittally, but Meredith can tell that she's pleased. "You know, I worked so hard to be good for him. To be better. And he just threw it all back in my face!"

"I know," Cristina says softly, threading her fingers through Meredith's hair.

"I did it all. I lived with a boy, I got married, bought the house. And then it just went all away in one afternoon. What's the point?" she slurs bitterly. Cristina doesn't answer her. She's just as cynical as she is of the whole happy ending thing, if not more so. She had tried it herself with Burke and that hadn't ended well. "Do you want to marry Owen?"

Cristina's fingers freeze for a second. "Maybe," she says evenly. "I love him."

"You loved Burke."

"I did," she agrees softly. "But it's different with Owen. I was going to marry Burke to please him. If I marry Owen it will be because _I_ want to."

Meredith's heart swells with love. "Owen's lucky to have you."

Cristina snorts. "I'll tell him you said that."

"I love you, you know?" Meredith says, smiling up at Cristina. "You're the one person that never lets me down."

There's a long pause and then Cristina lets out a drunken cackle that probably wakes her neighbours. "Go to sleep you sappy bitch," she hisses between fits of laughter.

She waits until Cristina falls asleep. The room has stopped spinning as she slowly climbs out of bed and reaches for her phone on the nightstand. Quietly, she sneaks out the room and heads for the bathroom. Closing the door behind her, Meredith leans against the door and slides to the floor, her phone clutched desperately between her hands. It's a bad idea. A really bad idea. But her hands move on their own accord as she finds his number in her contacts and presses call. It has to be after 4:00am in New York she realizes when it takes a long time for him to pick up, but when he does, all progress she has made in the last few weeks flies out of the window.

"Dr. Mark Sloan," he greets, his husky voice tired and cranky. Her heart is pounding in her chest as she realizes that he didn't check who was calling him.

She should hang up. She really, really needs to-

"Hello?" he grumbles, and she just can't find the strength to put the phone down and cut him out of her life for good.

She's so _pathetic._

"I don't need you," Meredith hisses, her words only slightly slurred as she tries to convince herself that it's the truth.

"Meredith?" Mark breathes, his voice a punch to the gut. Any traces of sleep are gone from his voice as he repeats her name again when she doesn't reply.

There's a long silence. She can imagine him sitting up in bed bare chested with the sheets pooling at his stomach, the phone clutched desperately to his ear with his hair sticking up at all angles.

"I hate you," she says, tears pricking in her eyes.

"I know," Mark says softly. "I'm sorry Meredith."

Meredith shakes her head as tears trail down her cheeks. Apologising got them nowhere. "We had it all Mark, and you threw it all away. You threw _me_ away like I was nothing," she cries.

"You're not nothing Mer, you're everything," he says desperately.

"God, I miss you so much," she cries, her voice breaking. "It's so pathetic. You hurt me so much, and yet the only thing that makes me feel better is hearing your voice."

"Tell me where you are," Mark says, his voice trembling. "I'll come to you and we can sort this out-"

Meredith sniffles and wraps an arm around herself as if she's holding herself together. "There is no fixing this," she whispers, her body shaking as she tries not to sob.

"Yes there is," Mark says, his husky voice cracking as he realizes that he's losing her. "I love you. Just talk to me. Please don't go-"

"Goodbye Mark."

"Mer please-"

She hangs up.

After her tears are all dried up, Meredith climbs into bed and snuggles up to Cristinas, vowing to clean up her act. She's better than this. She won't let her broken heart break _her_.

Things look up after that. She lives for her surgeries until the day Webber pulls her aside and tells her to go home. She protests vigorously but he's adamant. It's the last place she wants to be, in a big lonely house filled with memories that haunt her. She considers selling it, but she just can't quite let go. She slowly gathers up a group of tentative friends through Cristina - "They're not my friends. They're people we work with - colleagues!" Cristina insists. But Meredith likes them, and she knows that despite her words, Cristina has a soft spot for Karev and finds George hilariously pathetic.

So that's her life post Mark Sloan. It's not good, but it's not altogether terrible either. She's heartbroken and miserable and her liver is probably fucked, but she's coping. And right now, that's all she can hope for.


	4. Chapter 4

**_Not the best chapter, but I really wanted to get a chapter out before I go back to work on Monday. Thank you for all of your lovely comments, they mean the world to me._**

* * *

 _Then_

In the beginning, she fights so hard to stay away from him.

She begins her internship with no trouble at all. She's mostly a model student - other than the trips to the bar across the street after every shift with Cristina and accidentally insulting her resident, Dr. Merlyn, on her first day. As a result she pretty much spends every shift in the pit rather than the O.R, but she's good at this whole doctor thing despite her mother saying that she would drop out in her first year of med school.

It's where she first meets him, in the pit. She's covered in blood and vomit thanks to her patient and she wants nothing more than to get a shower, but Delfino is eyeing her patient like a piece of meat and there's no way she's giving up this case, especially to Mike Delfino. Of course Dr. Merlyn takes one disgusted look at her (she's pretty sure that it's mostly because of the puke rather than his hatred of her) and tells her to go and change and meet him in the O.R. Meredith spins around in a flurry of excitement, trips over her own damn feet and runs right into a very, very solid chest.

Yes. It's such a fucking cliche. But it is _their_ cliche.

Meredith flinches back, an apology on the tip of her tongue, but all rational thought leaves her mind when she lays eyes on the hottest guy she has ever seen.

Like, seriously, this guy belongs on the cover of GQ, not standing in an ER covered in puke.

Even as he looks down in disgust at his black leather jacket that is now covered in numerous bodily fluids, Meredith can't remember how to speak English. Angry eyes slowly travel up her body, but when his blue eyes finally meets hers, his anger turns to something else.

Curiosity. And lust.

He smirks that damn smirk that she will grow to love, but right then, she hates him before he even opens his mouth.

"Grey!" Merlyn shouts impatiently, capturing her attention again. "Do I need to choose someone else?" He doesn't give her a chance to reply, he rolls his eyes and says, "Delfino. With me seeing as Grey's too starstruck by Sloan." Delfino grins smugly at her and flips her off as he trails along after Merlyn.

"Asshole," Meredith mutters under her breath.

"That's not very nice."

Meredith frowns up at him. "Get out of my way," she snaps. "I've just lost a surgery because of you."

He laughs. "Because of me?! _You_ walked into _me._ Don't worry about my very ruined, very expensive jacket by the way."

Meredith rolls her eyes and tries to step around him but he follows her, his impressive body following her every move. "Do you need any help washing up?" he asks, his face the picture of innocence but those blue eyes - God his eyes are so fucking _blue_ \- flash with a wicked amusement. "I can be very helpful."

"Shut up," she snaps before she can stop herself. She picks up her pace

Sloan's smirk widens. "I'm your attending, you can't tell me to shut up."

Attending? She almost trips in shock. _Oh holy fuck_. She's _definitely_ not seen him around before. Swallowing back her panic, Meredith goes to apologize, but one look at that arrogant, expecting smirk has her biting back her fumbling apology as she bites out, "Yeah, well. I just did."

Sloan barks out a laugh and beings to follow her into the girls locker room. Meredith stops in front of the door and spins around angrily. "You can't come in here," she snaps. Behind him, she notices a load of nurses looking over at them curiously - or more accurately looking at Sloan as though he was an Adonis and looking at Meredith as though she was a pile of dog crap they've just had to scrape off their shoe.

Mark remains oblivious to them as he towers over her imposingly. "Come on, it will be fun. I can scrub your back for you."

"I'm not interested," Meredith snaps, finally losing her patience with him.

"Yes you are," Sloan says. "Interns always are."

The audacity of this asshole. "Well this intern isn't."

Sloan looks as though he's about to argue with her, but his pager goes off. He ignores it for a second, those penetrating eyes looking right into her before he smirks one last time and says, "I'll just send you the bill for my jacket then, Grey was it?"

"Go to hell!" Meredith slams the door shut in his face.

His wicked laugh echoes through the door, and when another intern named Kathy asks her why she's grinning, Meredith snaps at her to mind her own business as she heads for the showers.

"What an arrogant dick," Meredith mutters under her breath. She catches her reflection in the mirror and catches sight of her small grin.

"Oh piss off," she sighs as she pulls her shirt over her head.

* * *

She's beyond tipsy as she loudly asks, "What do you know of Doctor Sloan?"

She's in the bar across the street with Cristina and a bunch of other interns. They mostly get on her nerves and Delfino keeps looking down her top, but it feels so good to finally let loose after such a long week.

Cristina shrugs, her drink splashing dangerously in her glass as she leans against Meredith's shoulder. "Other than that he's ridiculously hot, not a lot. He's the Head of Plastics and he's got the best ass in the country."

Heather, a quiet girl who Meredith has a soft spot for pipes up, "He's slept with half of the female staff at the hospital, and he's the reason why Doctor Shepherd left New York."

Meredith frowns. "How come?"

Delfino snorts, his brown eyes taking a break from staring at her cleavage. "He was banging Shepherd's wife! They grew up together too."

"That's stone cold," Aaron says looking impressed despite his words. "Sloan is like my idol."

Cristina snorts. "Sounds like an asshole. A hot asshole," she amends. "But still an asshole."

She couldn't agree more.

* * *

As the weeks pass, Sloan requests her for surgeries and drives her insane with his outrageous flirting and his constant teasing.

Mark Sloan is everything she hates about men and doctors. He is arrogant, insanely hot and incredibly talented. She can watch his hands create artwork for hours, and though she has zero interest in plastics, she actually enjoys being taught by him. He hates interns and _never_ wants them assisting in his surgeries. But he always asks for _her._

Look - she's not stupid. She knows that he's only doing it because he wants to get into her pants and the second she fucks him there's no chance that he will ever take a second look at her let alone let her into his O.R. Yes, he makes inappropriate comments which are borderline sexual harassment and stands a little too close to her, his cool breath in her ear as his talented hands guide hers.

But he's a really good teacher, and if it had been anyone else, she would have reported him months ago.

The thing is, she really fucking likes him.

He is everything that she hates. But he is also everything that Meredith is attracted to.

But he's _Mark Sloan._

He's talented, confident and ridiculously good looking, and if he was anybody else, Meredith would have him in her bed already and would have gotten him out of her system already.

But what makes him insufferable is that he knows it, and he knows that every single person around him knows just how amazing he is. It certainly doesn't help that half of the nurses have slept with him and a good portion of the other half would chop off their left hand for a roll in the sheets with Doctor Sloan if she believed the gossip that seemed to follow in the mans wake.

She can't be one of those girls who follows him around blindly and foolishly gives him their heart.

She knows better, and she certainly won't give up her reputation for a fumble in the sheets with Mark Sloan.

She _won't._

* * *

Ellis calls her. She doesn't even bother to tell her in person the fact that her only family in this shitty world has been diagnosed with Early-onset Alzheimer's, and she's already moving into a nursing home. The world is spinning around her and she can't _breathe-_

Nobody pays her any heed as she pushes passed patients and nurses until she's in a supply closet.

Tears cloud her eyes. "I can take time off work," she whispers, her fingers clutching the phone desperately to her ear. "I can help you-"

"Don't get emotional Meredith," Ellis snapped. "You can't help me. I will have all the professional care that I need. I don't want to waste my time coddling you."

Meredith remains silent as Ellis goes on but it all falls on deaf ears.

 _You can't help me._

No, there isn't anything she can do for her mother medically, but she can _be_ with her for those few precious moments they will have left. They may not be close, but she's her daughter for God's sake. Surely some small part of her gives a shit about how this is going to affect her too?

When she hangs up, the tears flow freely. It crushes her. Knowing that this strong, intelligent woman who she calls mother will not recognise her anymore-

The door opens and Meredith hastily wipes away her tears. She slides her phone into the pocket of her lab coat and grabs the first thing her hands land on and quickly makes her escape with a quick smile at a fellow intern.

She's striding pointlessly down the corridor, ignoring Delfino failing to chat up a third year resident who is way out of her league, when Sloan steps directing into her path.

"Come for a drink with me Grey," he demands simply, his smirk fixed firmly into place as he looks down at her with amused eyes.

"No," Meredith says coldly, trying to step around him but Sloan isn't having any of it.

"Why?" he demands, ignoring the stares of a group of interns who have gone suspiciously quiet. "We have a good time, don't we?"

"You don't want me, Dr. Sloan," Meredith says stiffly, wondering why he clearly can't take a hint. Surely he can see she's not in the mood to deal with him. "Not really. You only want me because I keep saying no and now this is a game to you. I won't ruin my reputation for a game."

"We'll see," Sloan said, his voice lowering into a deep husk. "You will deny it for a while, and then just when you can't stand the tension anymore, you'll snap." Sloan leans in close to her, so close that it would be no effort at all to pull his face towards hers and he could easily make her forget about Alzheimer's and selfish mothers who clearly doesn't give a fuck about her feelings.

"One way or another, you and me are going to happen Grey, and you will remember it for the rest of your life."

It takes all of her control not to slap him.

The hold she had on her anger snaps. "You know what? You think highly of yourself don't you Dr. Sloan?" she hisses, oblivious to the sudden silence of the corridor. In that moment, the entire hospital ceases to exist apart from her and him. "You think that just because every nurse follows you around, begging for a scrap of your attention, that every woman on the planet wants you. Well I don't! You're an arrogant, conceited asshole who is so far up his own asshole I'm surprised you can even take a breath!"

Sloan frowns down at her, his amusement vanishing as he realises that this isn't playful banter. "That's a little harsh Grey-"

"You're a man whore, and not one respectable woman on this planet would want you," Meredith seethes, relishing in his sudden flinch at her words. "Stay the hell away from me!" she snaps, ignoring the eyes of every doctor and nurse that stares at her as she storms off.

Fuck them all.

* * *

Of course after an hour she feels ridiculously guilty and wants nothing more than to apologise for her dickish behavior. Cristina asks her if she wants to stay at the hospital and lurk for surgeries but Meredith declines explaining that she has something she needs to do. Still, a part of her wants to forget the whole nightmare of a day, but Meredith forces herself to head to the local bar where all of the staff drink. She's seen Sloan in there before, but other than a quick wink and a smile he never approaches her outside work.

After her attitude today, it is only fitting that she's the one to find him sitting at the bar alone, staring into a glass of scotch uncharacteristically remorseful. Meredith swallows back her pride and slowly approaches him, taking the seat to his left and quietly ordering a shot of tequila.

She's not the best at apologising.

Sloan ignores her as she knocks back the shot, asking the bartender to leave the bottle.

Meredith pours another shot and knocks it back. She can feel the alcohol slowly doing its job as she feels herself relax a little. "I'm sorry," she says softly when she can't stand the silence any longer.

She peeks at him from the corner of her eye, and he doesn't even look at her as he emotionlessly quips, "Are you talking to me?"

Her heart sinks. Meredith makes a show of looking around the empty bar. "Well there's nobody else here."

Sloan does not reply.

Jeez, he's really going to make her work for it.

Sloan downs his drink in one smooth gulp and slams the glass down onto the bar. He catches the attention of the bartender who is trying but failing to look as though he's not listening to her fumbling apology. Once he's received another drink and makes it clear that he's not going to talk, Meredith waits for the bartender to leave before she quietly explains herself. "Five minutes before we spoke today, my mother told me that she has Alzheimer's."

That grabs his attention. Sloan drink is almost to his lips when he freezes, those blue eyes flicking to hers and flashing with sympathy. He slowly lowers his glass and gently rests it on the bar. "I'm sorry," he says, his voice softening.

Meredith bites her lip and looks away. She can't cry in front of him, she just _can't._ Sloan is polite enough not to comment as her hands tremble a little as she pours herself another shot. It gives her enough confidence to continue. "She hasn't told anyone, and she expects me to keep this secret for her. She's known about it for almost a year and she did not even think to tell me."

"Maybe she didn't want to burden you," Sloan says carefully.

Meredith snorts. "No. I've never been at the top of Ellis Grey's priorities. She didn't want to seem weak, and calling me would have made her weak. It would have meant admitting that _she_ needed _me_ for once." She shakes her head sadly. "She'd rather pay someone to look after than have _me._

"We've never been close, especially since I went to medical school. She didn't think I'd be able to handle it and it grates on her that I'm actually good at this doctor thing. I was never good enough for her. No matter how hard I worked, it was never enough. But she's still my _mom,_ you know?" She looks away as she quickly swipes a tear, afraid to see pity in his eyes as she pours out her damaged heart. "Why didn't she call me?" she whispers pathetically.

Mark does not answer, but he puts a gentle hand on top of hers that is resting on the bar, and for just a second, she doesn't feel so alone.

Sucking in a shaky breath, she continues."What I'm trying to say is that I took my shit out on you and said harsh things I didn't mean. I was wrong, and I really am sorry." Meredith pauses and makes herself to meet his eyes. She swallows back the urge to leave and forces herself to say, "I don't think they're true, those things I said. I don't want to lose this... _thing_."

She doesn't want to lose _him,_ she realises with a jolt.

Mark is silent for a long time, those blue eyes staring right at her. She can't get a read on him and she hates how much that bothers her. Still, he gives her a small smile and just like that she's forgiven.

"So, mommy issues, huh?" Meredith gives him a sharp look but Mark just shrugs and smirks. "I can work with that.

For the first time that day, Meredith smiles. "I have daddy issues too."

Mark barks out a laugh and pours them another shot of tequila. "Well, Meredith Grey," he says softly. "I think I've hit the jackpot with you."

That's when she starts to see Sloan as _Mark_.


End file.
